Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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