I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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