i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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