Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
