I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
