i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
