I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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