somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
