You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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