I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
