I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
