just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
