and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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