I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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