My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
