I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
