i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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