He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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