I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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