is your mom at the bar?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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