what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
