I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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