Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You can't special order awesome
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
