my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i now understand why vodka
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
