I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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