After last night, I could never be a politician.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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