upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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