I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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