would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
