i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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