i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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