I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
