is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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