you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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