I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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