I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
