theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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