I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
