god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
