My liver just broke up with me...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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