Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
