I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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