I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Small penises have feelings too.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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