Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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