The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
