When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
