Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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