her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
