She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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