One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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