FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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