you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
