I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do vagina's smell?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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