I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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