I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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