I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
