omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
